Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

This thing is getting kind of gay. It's not that I don't want to do it. It's that there really isn't anything to write for days like this where I feel like I never wronged anyone that hard. There might be one or two people that I messed up inadvertently, but I feel like apologies and hugs have been exchanged.

Starting today, I'm just going to skip whatever days that I don't really have anything to write about.

In other news, I have decided that I am going to pre-read and re-study some of the biochemistry and the anatomy that will engulf my brain come August. I've been told and read on forums that pre-reading is a bad idea, but I don't care, so if you're against it, fuck off.

I am beginning to wonder if I swear too much? Eh. Part of me is saying "Harden the FUCK UP" to myself about it.

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

No one's really caused me a lot of pain. Maybe my very first girlfriend that I had...but that was to be expected. My mom beat me a lot when I was growing up, but no emotional damage done there. Therefore, this entry is trash. I will edit this later in the future if someone does critical and detrimental damage to my life in the future.

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Grandpa (dad's dad),

I really miss you. I really wanted to make you proud by telling you that I got into medical school. I'm really sorry I didn't get there in time. I really wish I could turn back time so that I could work 10 times as hard as I did before, so that you could have seen me achieve my goals before you passed.

Things have changed quite a bit around my house after your passing. Mom and Dad both talk about you often, and they say they miss you too. They, along with everyone else in the family, seem to be treasuring every moment a little bit more. Mom's actually using it as a way of extortion by saying things such as, "Be good to me while I'm still alive. You don't know when I'm going to die." In any case, I think it all stems from all of us missing you so much.

I feel like after you passed, the foundation of our family was shaken a bit. You were the person holding all of us connected.

I really wish you were still alive today. I know you lost those Janggi matches to me on purpose so that I wouldn't be sore about losing. You were the most generous man I have had the pleasure of knowing. I am so glad that out of every single person in the world, you were my grandfather.

Thank you so much. I hope that we can see each other and catch up in the far far future.

With memories and fondness,

Alex

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Dear B,

I know we didn't always get along and stuff, but I think we'd make good friends now. That said, I wish we could talk and catch up more often than we do now; which is never. I actually don't know what we'd talk about and I'm afraid any conversation we'll have will just get awkward.

Anyway, I heard you're doing well for yourself. Glad to hear that dude. Keep taking care of yourself and keep being good at being you.

-A

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Dear Grandpa (Mom's dad),

You passed way too early. I feel like we would have been the best of pals. You were a fishing boat captain, and had 6 daughters and 0 sons. I think you would have liked me, since I was the first son in the family for some time.

I heard a lot about you, but I regret that I never had the opportunity to meet you. So I'm going to become a doctor, grandpa. I'm going to do it and I will try to give other people the opportunity to meet and create memories with their grandchildren. Although I couldn't meet you, it doesn't mean that other people shouldn't be able to meet their grandparents either.

Every time I think of you, I imagine those guys on "The Deadliest Catch". Was that how things were, except you were out catching mackerel, tuna, and other random beasts of the sea? Mom told me stories about how you were highly respected. You would hire deckhands but you would give the wages to their wives so that the men wouldn't go waste their earnings on drinks and frivolous things. You would always treat your children with love and devotion despite the fact that you had always wanted a son but only had 6 girls. And even though grandma couldn't (and still can't) cook for shit or didn't do any work around the house, you were okay with coming home after a long trip and picking up around the house.

Grandpa, if I become half the man that you were, I think I'll be just fine. I just wish that we had an opportunity to meet; so that I might have been proud of my grandpa, and that you might have been proud of me.

With longing,

Alex

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Dear Ash,

I know you also want to go to medical school. Here's some advice from one who's been where you are: don't dick around, don't mess around with girls, and save your money.

Dicking around will get you nowhere, actually it gets you somewhere: deep shit. And unless you like being in bad places, stay focused and don't lose sight of the goal.

Girls will do a few things to you in your early 20's. They'll create the illusion in your life that you're happy...then while you're under that illusion, they will plunder you for all your worth - time, money, intelligence, you name it, she's taking it. It's to my understanding that later on in life, not much is different. The only difference is that she won't even try to give you the illusion that you'll be happy. Don't let them do this to you. Stop your online dating habits now.

Money is a funny thing. When you're making it, you have hardly the time to spend it. When you're spending it, it feels you're trading away a pieces of your soul for the item or services tendered. In any case, if you end up in medical school, whether in Canada or USA, you'll go into debt. You will be crushed by a 6 digit number on your shoulders that your own kin will turn a blind eye to. That said, save your money. Don't spend frivolously on random shit like I've been doing. Thank God there's some money left in my bank account.

Ash, I love you man. Just stop the long-distance, MSN messenger, online relationships with RANDOM ASS girls and I think you'll be really well off.

With friendship,

Alex

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Dear W,

We had a lot of fun together, didn't we? I thought it was really cool that we could keep in touch afterwards too, just as friends. We've actually talked just two weeks ago, although our "relationship" ended over a year and half ago. You're a really cool person.

But lately, I've been feeling that we've been drifting apart as people. I still love the fact that you're so driven to stay active in the community as well as personally, but I have a hard time sometimes identifying with your motives.

As a friend, I want to be honest with you. You are vain, superficial, somewhat materialistic, and full of avarice. Maybe you're the more honest between the two of us and you can outrightly say that you're driven by the desire for wealth, but I want to believe that there's more to life than money.

I have a feeling that the most recent time we talked on the phone was the very last time we will talk on the phone. In case I don't hear from you, and you don't hear from me, take care of yourself. Eat well, try to get more iron in your body (I know you're anemic), don't worry about your body so much (your body is killer!), and try not to laugh out loud at people who look less fortunate than you (your sense of humor was always interesting).

With best wishes,

Alex

Day 6 — A stranger

Dear you,

I don't know much about you, but just like me, you are human. Unless you're an alien. I have no way of knowing whether you're an alien, though, so for now, you are human. I see you every day. The man or woman driving next to me in the morning/afternoon commute, the patients waiting to be seen at the dentist's office, etc.

You know, I'm usually nice to you. I try to hold doors open for you, and I try to say "bless you" if you sneeze. But it seems that you don't always give the same treatment back. But you know...I think I'm okay with that. I think it's just when you're in front of me on the road and you're driving like shit that gets to me. I'm not overly confrontational, but I'm not afraid of confrontations. And please try to avoid confronting me, because I will destroy you.

In the future, let's just try to get along. That's all I can ask from you, and I think it's appropriate for you to ask of that from me. If one of you happen to be my future wife, please be working out and staying in shape. That's all, thanks.

With civility,

Alex

Day 5 — Your dreams

Dear Dreams,

Thanks for coming along. At one point, you seemed so far away, but now, you seem one step closer. And as the current version of you seems to approach now, you're beginning to change shape in bits and pieces. It helps me to be kept on my toes at all times that way.

You know, I actually thought I'd be the happiest pal around when I would be accepted into medical school. Perhaps it's my greed, but I didn't feel like I was going to rocket off the earth, fueled by elation. I felt it was like any other day. Of course it's a lie to say that I wasn't happy, but it doesn't change who I am. Perhaps it'll change who I'm going to be and the circumstances under which I'll become a doctor, but it doesn't change anything for this moment.

You're all about the future, Dreams. And I hope you stay that way. Help me to never lose my drive and ambition for bigger and better things. Never let me stop chasing after you. Because without you, I'd be lost. You're more important than any map to guide me, or any consumable item that will fuel me.

Dream, if you get nothing out of this letter that I'm writing to you, just remember this. Don't get fucked up, and don't let me fuck up.

Sincerely,

Alex

Day 4 — Your sibling

Dear Andrea,

I know we don't always get along, and that we're extremely different people with different philosophies, but I'm very thankful that you're my sister. Because of our differences, I think that I was able to become who I am today.

Sometimes, I worry if I ever caused any negative influences or impacts on you as we grew up together. I can't say whether you looked up to me or not, but I know that I was there, two years ahead of you, casting a shadow that was sometimes too big for you to shake off. All I can say about that now is sorry.

You are a person full of passions for what you do and want to do. I really admire that. I love how you embraced art as something that you'll hold on to for the rest of your life and practice and think about it even when you're committed to very different things right now. That being said, we both know you're not where you want to be right now. But I know that some day, you will be able to live your dreams. You might not be rich, and you might not have all the shoes, bags, and pretty things that most girls want, but I know that you'll be happy. And that is all that matters to me.

Thanks for your support at all times. I know I never show my weaknesses to you, nor anyone else for that matter, but I know that you can sometimes see it and try to help out as much as you can. I hope you'll forgive my pride and not coming out with my shortcomings clearly.

With affection,

Alex

P.S. I said we don't always get along, but when we do get along, it's a blast.

edit: Wayne State called this day. They want my body for medicine.

Day 3 — Your parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for everything. Thank you for chipping in your genes to make who I am. Although I can't say I'm completely happy with how the gene's mixed, I'm glad I exist at all.

Mom. Thanks for beating me when I was growing up. I know that most Asian kids experience corporal punishment to a certain extent, but they didn't get beaten by you. I can't say I enjoyed the experiences back then, but now that I'm here, I can see how you helped me to get seated in the right direction everytime I was veering off. It's also thanks to you that I have the aggressive personality and sense of humor that I do. Let's face it, you didn't marry Dad for his sense of humor. That man is as dry as the Sahara during non-rainy season.

Dad. Thank you for showing me how to be a man. You were actually never one to talk much, although you're a great writer, so you only seldom taught me about manhood through words. Instead, you showed it all to me. You showed me that I should never raise my voice to my significant other. You showed me that when it comes to girls, losing is winning (except in academics). I admire your reticence and your ability to fall asleep anywhere. Or rather, perhaps it's that you're quiet by nature, but you work so hard for your family that you're always so tired and don't have trouble catching up on lost sleep anywhere. No matter how it works, thank you.

I know that I'm not the best son. I'm not even a great son. But I think I'm okay. There are a lot worse sons, you know? You remember how you used to compare me to the kids of other families? Well two can play at that game. You're good parents, but you're not great. See what I did there? It doesn't feel good, does it?

Anyway, thank you for...for everything. I promise that you'll never have to worry about me even though you will anyway, and I will do my best to never bring shame to the honorable name of Lee...lol.

With love,

Alex

Day 2 — Your Crush

Dear Crush,

I love your laugh and the way you smile. You have captured a rare type of beauty that people can hardly find even on mass media outlets. I'm enamored by your passion for what you do, although at times, I wonder what your motives are. I think a big part of me having this crush on you has to do with the fact that you're still a big mystery to me. I don't think that either of us know each other well enough to hate each other, and thus definitely not well enough to like one another. And you know what...I'm fine with that. I'm going to have things going on in my life and you your own priorities. Let's stick to the things we want or should be doing, and figure things out if our paths happen to cross.

Let's get one thing clear, though. I'm fascinated by you. I'm by no means in love with you. It would be foolish of me to say that I love you, because I don't. And I've learned over the course of the past 3 years that I should guard my heart, and not hand it out so easily. I'm not saying that you don't deserve it. You might. I just want to choose the recipient more carefully.

With fascination,

-Alex

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

You don't really exist right now. But there are many friends that I remember since childhood. I'll write to the lot of you. A paragraph each. This might get long? Also, I realize I need to write to someone from my childhood later in this series of entries. I'll figure it out when that time comes.

Remember when we used to play soccer all the time as little kids? You were a bit older than me so you were bigger and faster, but that just made me work harder because I wanted to be better. We would play so late and be the last kids off the soccer field. I don't know about you but my mom beat the living daylights out of me for 1. coming home past curfew every day, and 2. coming home so dirty and dusty everyday. Remember how we stole the used syringe needles that the farmers used to vaccinate their livestock with? We used to load them into our BB guns and devastate the frog population in our village with them. Probably wasn't such a great idea, now that I look back on it. You're a chemist in Korea now, right? I respect you for that. Chemistry is fun, but it gets damn hard at the level that you're at.

Your parents were so carefree with you. My parents were so restrictive with me. In a lot of ways, I wanted what you had. I loved having sleep overs at your house and playing video games as late as I wanted to. In the end though, you turned out to be a selfish jerk. But I guess I still value your friendship from when we still were close buddies. I hope you're well and that you're not working at some fast food restaurant somewhere. Let's meet again some day, in all our glory and success.

I actually don't know why or how we became friends. We were very different, you and I. I was mostly nerd and you were mostly jock. But I guess 6th and 7th grade was still a transitional stage and we got along just fine. I loved when we hung out, though. Your house was always a really cool place compared to the apartment I used to live in. To be honest, I was a bit embarrassed that my family lived in an apartment while my friends lived in houses and condos. I think you knew that, but let me get away with it. Thanks for that. Oh yeah, thanks for the tacos. The tacos I had at your house then was the first time I had tacos outside of taco bell. I didn't know people actually consumed tacos outside of TB.

We became friends around 8th grade? I'm picturing your 8th grade form, and I think...praying mantis. Sorry. You always made fun of me about Amy K., who had a crush on me for a pretty long time. Amy and I both wore yellow shirts one day to school and you made fun of that for months. To be honest, I regret avoiding Amy then, because she's really smart and got really hot in high school. I think Amy's still very attractive...well...from what I remember of her from the few times I saw her in college? Anyway, back to you. You were kind of weird. That's the only way I can describe you. And in some ways, you're still that very same 8th grader at times. It's cute at times, but wow, it seriously does get annoying at other times. I like it more when you're confident, serious, and mature. Regardless, it doesn't change the fact that we're friends. I'm sure you have things about me that you hate and like. I'd like to hear them some day.

You were always a very bright guy. I don't ever remember you being angry or sad. But the kind of happiness you exuded wasn't the type to piss off or annoy others. It was a contagious type of glee. I was jealous of that you know. I wanted to be able to do what you did. You know, we were both pretty smart kids. But I think we played a little too much starcraft; me for sure. I think my SAT score could have been a lot better if I didn't spend half my time at home playing starcraft. I cared so much about my Win/loss ratio. It matters for shit today. Starcraft was definitely a waste of time, but you weren't. Thanks for your friendship. Hope we can catch up soon and stay in touch.

We lived together for two years, and you were the most problem-free roommate I ever had. We each did our own things, but we shared a lot at night in our bunks, and I'd pay good money to be able to go back to those times. But hey, you're married now, and I don't think your wife will be appreciative of me being in the bedroom with you guys...or...will she???? Just kidding. I'm glad we roomed together. We did have some awkward moments...like when I would sleepwalk naked out of our dorm room sans key and all, and wake you up at 4 in the morning asking you to let me back in before any of the girls in our hall saw me in all my glory. I'm glad you make an attempt to stay in touch with me these days. I apologize I don't do much of the same. I promise I'll try harder in the future. Oh yeah, I still need to meet your wife. Well, of course we've met, but we still barely know each other. Please make an effort to bring her with you the next time we hang out. I won't be mean. I'll admit that I might try to get along with her on your expense though.

-Alex

So it (will) begins

I'm going to be in medical school? soon I think. This blog is going to cover the events leading up to entry and the end of the first year. So 4 blogs for 4 years of dying to myself...or books. I'll try to keep things lite and simple at the beginning. I can't guarantee anything after things start heating up. This will probably turn into a major bitch-fest (i.e. I'll be bitching about the unfairness and the bullshit that will be life very soon). It'll be like my very own fml...except everything will be real?

Anyway, saw Elise doing this, and thought it was pretty cool. So I yoinked it and I'm doing it. I don't know where it comes from originally, but I kind of don't give a shit?

Write a letter a day to the designated individual:
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror