Nerd Alert

I'm not going to lie. I like studying. Of course, I don't like to do it all the time, and I didn't really like it in undergrad. I have to have balance between studying and spending time doing other things. But all in all, I'm excited that I'm going to have great volumes of knowledge to study again. As I think about everything that I'm going to force feed into my brain, I'm thankful that I am going to have this opportunity and privilege to learn medicine. It's going to cost me in the excess of $150,000, and I think it's going to be worth it. No, not for the money that I'll be making at the end of my medical education/training, but for the experience and the opportunity to be a part of something that most people can't even dream about being involved in.

This is different from undergrad. In undergrad, I didn't care much about learning. I was there because I was expected to, because it was just another step to getting to the step after it. But now, I feel an appreciation for what I'm about to become a part of. Surely, I will be a bitter human being at times, but honestly, I don't think I am going to find another block of four years to label as more interesting or more productive than the four years I will spend in medical school.

For now, I want to savor this moment and this entry...for I foresee that this will be one of very few optimistic and happy entries about medical school. It'll be interesting to see if and how things change come August.

Killing to save

Today, I realized something. When I become a doctor, I am inevitably going to be responsible for people who die under my care. I may not be the guy, infection, or disease that hammers in the final nail into people's chests as they die, but I will be responsible for those dying patients. A page of my dead patients' medical record will read 'deceased', and somewhere on that very same page, my name will most likely be floating about. And you know...I decided I'm perfectly okay with that.

Shit happens, and I need to harden the fuck up about it.

Another part of me is saying to me, "Oh shit, I'm going to kill people". But this same part also realizes that flipping out about it isn't going to bring the dead back or miraculously save the other still-living patients waiting on me to save them...or kill them trying.

Wisdom Teeth

I had them pulled today. All 4. Just under local anesthesia. Getting them pulled wasn't so bad. The least pleasant part of it was the teeth cracking and all the pressure that the oral surgeon put on the teeth.

The aftermath is painful. I've taken my vicodin, but I'm still feeling as though someone is chiseling at my gums with a chisel and hammer. I kind of feel like a big wuss because there are people who don't feel any pain at all, but all my teeth except one were impacted and they were cut out of my gums. Perhaps that's where the pain's coming from...the cutting and the resulting suture.

Anyway, that's about it. Wisdom teeth are gone. In Korean, they're called Love Teeth, showing that one is ready for love once the love teeth are gone. Too bad I'm still not ready. I have no interest in committing to a serious relationship at the moment. It is still time to play.

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

I've drifted away from many people. I didn't bother to keep in touch with a lot of friends that I met in college, and I feel like shit about it. I hope that I can amend it as time passes and opportunities arise to mend holes in my relationships with various people. This particular entry goes to a bro named Andrew.

Dear Andrew,

When we first met, I felt like you were the younger brother I never had. Later, I valued you as an indispensable friend who gave me real advice. Until I betrayed your trust, of course. And it was so dumb the way I did it. It was over a girl that I had 0 luck with. I think in retrospect, and for the future, bros should definitely come before women.

I wish we could meet up sometime, but we live great distances away from each other. You're probably working hard and absorbed in your young adult life as I try to do in my own. I respect you a lot, bro. You always inspired me to work harder despite the fact that I worked myself into the ground during college trying to cover premed and engineering courses at the same time.

You have a knack for getting along with people easily. I envy and love that about you. I hope that a time will come in our lives where we'll be able to spend more time with one another and just catch up/be friends again.

I hope all's well where you are. I heard you're doing well.

With friendship,

Alex

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

This thing is getting kind of gay. It's not that I don't want to do it. It's that there really isn't anything to write for days like this where I feel like I never wronged anyone that hard. There might be one or two people that I messed up inadvertently, but I feel like apologies and hugs have been exchanged.

Starting today, I'm just going to skip whatever days that I don't really have anything to write about.

In other news, I have decided that I am going to pre-read and re-study some of the biochemistry and the anatomy that will engulf my brain come August. I've been told and read on forums that pre-reading is a bad idea, but I don't care, so if you're against it, fuck off.

I am beginning to wonder if I swear too much? Eh. Part of me is saying "Harden the FUCK UP" to myself about it.

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

No one's really caused me a lot of pain. Maybe my very first girlfriend that I had...but that was to be expected. My mom beat me a lot when I was growing up, but no emotional damage done there. Therefore, this entry is trash. I will edit this later in the future if someone does critical and detrimental damage to my life in the future.

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Grandpa (dad's dad),

I really miss you. I really wanted to make you proud by telling you that I got into medical school. I'm really sorry I didn't get there in time. I really wish I could turn back time so that I could work 10 times as hard as I did before, so that you could have seen me achieve my goals before you passed.

Things have changed quite a bit around my house after your passing. Mom and Dad both talk about you often, and they say they miss you too. They, along with everyone else in the family, seem to be treasuring every moment a little bit more. Mom's actually using it as a way of extortion by saying things such as, "Be good to me while I'm still alive. You don't know when I'm going to die." In any case, I think it all stems from all of us missing you so much.

I feel like after you passed, the foundation of our family was shaken a bit. You were the person holding all of us connected.

I really wish you were still alive today. I know you lost those Janggi matches to me on purpose so that I wouldn't be sore about losing. You were the most generous man I have had the pleasure of knowing. I am so glad that out of every single person in the world, you were my grandfather.

Thank you so much. I hope that we can see each other and catch up in the far far future.

With memories and fondness,

Alex